Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
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also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.