if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever