i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
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My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
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Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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