put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
