why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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