I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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