Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
