highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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