May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
