i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
