I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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