just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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