She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I AM VODKA MAN
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
