I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
