don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
