she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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