I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
