I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
