Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
third nipple confirmed
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
