Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
