Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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