Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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