I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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