God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
