Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
