She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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