I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
