He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
