I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
