I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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