I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
