my phone needs a breathalizer
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
