i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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