Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
