shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.