what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
