i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I will pee on everything he values.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
