Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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