the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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