dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
