i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i've created a new STD.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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