Got a toothbrush?
I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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