listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.