I puked a lego.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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