Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
