It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
