remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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