Cold hands, warm shart.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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