He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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