God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
