Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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