So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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