Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
