After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
