I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
