I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
