I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
