it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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